Friday, March 7, 2014

Update. Finally!

Dear Theodore,

Sorry for my lack of posting, it's just that life's been pretty busy! But now that Spring break is here, I actually have the time to post! So, here I go! There's so much to update you on! Where to begin. . . Well, from my post of New Year's I said I'd post our vlog about Christmas. I never ended up doing that, but hopefully you won't mind having it very late... Because here it is! I think it's so much better than the first one! It's just so adorable!

Well, now I can feel better about saying I'd post it, because now it's actually posted!

Well, there's so much that has happened and so many things to share.... I honestly don't know what to write. Guess I should just go at it and start from the beginning "a very good place to start"! Haha, anyways... Ok, so the New Year came and went, like always. Nothing special happened, nothing memorable happened. Well, we attempted to make fried chicken... it needed more help but yay, it was good for a first! The school year started up again, and I've been occupying myself with all of the homework. Such enjoyable stuff. ;) Nay, it's all good! Well, the biggest thing is I'm the yearbook editor for our co-op, and I've been spending lots of my time keeping that going. But we've got a great team so it's good! I also started Spanish this semester. It's kinda strange, but our class is only a semester long... confusing right? But I can't complain! We also finished Chemistry! Yes! I'm not a science/math person at all so I was like "we need to party!" No more Science/Chemistry for the rest of my life! :D *BIG GRIN*!!! ;)

Though school has taken up most of my time, it's not the only thing I do! Hanging out with friends is also anther thing that occupies my time! In fact, just a couple weekends ago we went down to Houston and visited some friends! It was just epic! Love them so much! I didn't get many pictures, (except a bathroom selfie of us girls :P). We were having too much fun to concentrate on getting pictures! But here's a "cutie" one! ;)

<3 Besties for life! <3

Alright, other than that life has been pretty routine here! School. Work. Driving. Piano. Etc. And so forth. ;) Not that exciting, but it's good. Well, actually I've gone to a couple of Ben's baseball games! Those are always fun!

Probably the biggest thing now is Lent is upon us. Lent always brings back so many memories. Some of which are rather painful. Lent is a time of penance, and it's leading us up to Christ's death. It's rather a dark time. Reminding us of death, and our final end. The pain, lost, and suffering of your death seems to be right there in my mind. I feel like I relive the whole thing over and over, each day. I don't know why it's like this. There are days that I enjoy myself and all, but it's still there. The memory is still fresh. The hurt is still strong. And the loneliness lasts.

It's all so strange how things like this happen. Why? They say that "God does things for a reason", what was His reason? I still haven't figured it out. I still don't understand. Completely. When will I know? When will things be clear? When will I see the big picture? How does one just simply move on from something like this? It has almost been six years, and I still don't have it figured out. I still cry, and get angry about it. Why? It doesn't have to be like this forever. But when will it change? When will it be better? Or. . .  Will it never be better? Will it always hurt? Do I have to just accept that it happened for the best? Realize that God chose to take you at the best time possible? That this was for our own good, and yours? That it's just a part of life? That death isn't the end of life, but rather the beginning of a new life. An eternal life. A life of perfect happiness. I know that someday I will see you again, and I can't wait until we're all united together again. Forever in heaven. And when that day comes, I will understand. I will know all. But for now, I question. I'm lost. I'm confused. Hurt. Upset. Angry. Lonely. But it'll end. I know it will. But the journey until it does end is long and painful. Full of trials, but also joy. Though at times like these, the joy is nowhere in sight. But I believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to be in it. Standing underneath it, and laughing. Having perfect happiness. Forever and always.

Sorry that was a lot. But I just had to tell you. Just had to let it out. I feel better now that I typed it. It's strange, but it's true! Once it's in words it seems to longer bother as greatly. I guess that's why people write songs. Music is powerful. It sends messages that never can be told. Only felt. There are so many songs that seem to help me through this, but this one is what I picked. It was a tough decision since I love so many songs, and they're all so powerful. But those will be another time, and another place. "They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to, ever get Over You."

I love you, Theodore. And I miss you. From my post I wrote on your birthday, "It hurts to think of all the years unspent, words unspoken, and memories lost". I don't think I've ever described the journey of your death better than in that one sentence. It was a moment of inspiration when I wrote that. Simply, it was just that. It was you helping me. By my side in it, and in everything I do! Never once do you leave my side. You're there with me through it all. We're still a family, even if you are in a higher place.

Until we meet again.