Monday, November 3, 2014



So, I got a new, more advance blog! It's rather exciting! I'm 

still new at it, so yeah... I plan on sharing a lot more on it. 

Such as: my recipes, experiences in high-school, family life, 

school, yet I shall still be posting my struggles with losing 

Theodore. Please follow/share it! Thank y'all so much! 



Saturday, September 20, 2014

A Place For Us

Dear Theodore,

I know I haven't written in a long while, but I promise to try and post at least once a month... __notice try ;) haha!__ Well, anyways, I was thinking of a certain video that mom took of you maybe a year and half before you died. I'll post it then give my thoughts.

"There's a place for us. 
Somewhere a place for us. 
Take my hand and we're half-way there. 
Take my hand and I'll take you there" . . . 

The other day, as I was driving home from work, I began to think of how much my life has changed since you died. How a lonely feeling swept over me and my heart broke. I had to fight back the tears since I was driving and didn't want to blur my vision. But this song really hit home for me at that moment. In so many ways that explains the change that happened when you left us. Before this all happened, those words were just from a song that was in a movie, nothing more. But now they have a deeper meaning. They're like your comfort to me. It's like you're putting your hand on my shoulder and telling me that there is more than this. That the tears, hurt, and loneliness is all just temporary. It'll end. Somewhere. Sometime. And I don't have to do it alone. As in the song "take my hand...", you are there helping me. Leading me. What more could I want? It may seem strange, but there is a positive way in which we can look at your death. Here you have already gone before us, but you're still our brother and you have no intention of abandoning us. It's strange to think that there is a light in all this sorrow. That your death actually could have brought a kind of peace that really can't be explained. It's like we're closer to God, because now we have a "messenger" to carry our prayers and petitions to Him. We have someone of our family in heaven watching over us.

I can see you now up there singing this song. Your words are more meaningful even to you. You're gazing down upon us with your hand stretched out, telling us that there's a place for us. And it gives us the strength we need to keep carrying on. To keep moving on until we are all in that place for us! And I know that when we all are there it'll be one, big happy family reunion and I can't wait until then!

I love you big brother!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Day Heaven Gained Another Saint

Dear Theodore,

Six years ago today you died. It's a harsh reality that I have to face every day. A harsh reality that I live with everyday. It's just unbelievable to think that it happened so long ago, and yet it feels like only yesterday. It feels like only yesterday you were building legos, drawing airplanes, and skipping about the house with your warm and loving laughter and smile. It seems like only yesterday you were here, telling us what you wanted. Bugging us for a "toy-airplane". And, it seems like only yesterday it all happened. Only yesterday that our whole world was turned upside down. Only yesterday that our world crashed. I don't know how to say it, but it's all so fresh in my mind... the hurt, the shock, the pain, the suffering, the tears, the regret, the lost... all of it. It's right there in the front of my mind... aching my heart. When will it cease? When will the aching on my heart be lifted? When will I be able to look at a picture of you and not break down inside?

The day started like every other but ended like no other. We had gotten up, eaten breakfast and began school. Nothing unusual seemed to have been occurring. Nothing out of the ordinary. But we could not have predicted it. How could we have? You were a healthy boy. You enjoyed "boyish" things. You had a wonderful life. Family and friends that really loved you and cared about you. It was idealistic. But it was all to end. And why it was the way it was, no one knows. And I guess we never will. I guess that it's just one of those things you have but never fully comprehend as to why you have it. It was around 10am when Gus found you. It was already too late, but Dad did all he could to save you. The tension and shock that was in our house was unbearable. None of us could understand it. The paramedics came and, along with mom and dad, rushed you to the emergency room. Those were the longest hours of my life. Bernadette asked me to fix up lunch for everyone, but no one wanted to eat. No one could eat. We were all in the kitchen when Dad called and Bernadette answered it. She stood there before us all and the tears began to fall. There was no doubt. But the worse that could've happened. Happened.

The tears fell down her face as she held the phone to her ear. She just sorta stood there crying. Our dear friend, who had come a little earlier, was there comforting her. Eventually she began to speak. In broken words she said:

"Theodore is..." She couldn't finish it. As much as I would have liked to believe it not true, I knew what was coming. In a quiet and shaking voice, I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Dead?" She nodded her head and everyone just stood there. Frozen. We didn't move. Just sorta stood there. Bernadette went on, repeating all that dad told her through the phone. I don't remember it all, but one thing I will never forget is when Dad told us.

"He (you) have the best siblings ever. He couldn't have had more loving siblings, and he (you) loves you all very much." I was very touched, but the tears didn't fall. It's unexplainable the feelings I felt. But something in me froze. Broke. It was like someone took a piece of my heart. And never were they to return it. It was gone. Part of me was dead.

I can't really explain the feelings we had, because we were in too much shock to say anything. We couldn't grasp what had just happened. Our brother was gone. Not gone for a while, or a few days, or weeks, or months, or years. But gone for forever. Gone ... never to return again. You would never skip around the house, laugh, tell jokes, beg us for toys... never. Nothing like that would ever happen again. In just a few short hours our lives were ruined. Destroyed. Everything we loved and cherished about life was gone in just one moment.

As soon as we could, we spread the news to our family and friends. Everyone knew in the matter of time. It caught everyone off guard. You were fifteen. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. You were not allowed to die! This was not in our plans. Not in our book. This wasn't supposed to be a chapter in our life. There was still so many pages and chapters to finish, but it ended. All too soon, it was over. We finished the book without wanting to, or even realizing it. It was all to much of a shock to grasp and understand it. It still is.

We had the funeral that following week. I was only ten, and was unsure of how to approach people when they offered their sympathy. It was all too unreal to me that it actually happened. I wanted to believe that it was just a bad nightmare and I was going to wake up and it was going to be over. But, of course, that never happened. Reality didn't hit in, until they began to lower you into the ground. I remember my exact thoughts and actions then. I began to shake my head. Internally I began to cry: "No! No! You can't do that! That's my brother!" But I couldn't stop it. It was what it was. I buried my face in my hands, turned away and just cried. It was the first time I cried since you died, and I couldn't stop myself. I just stood there crying. It suddenly all became real to me.

It was all so hard for my ten year old self to understand and grasp what was going on. But there was one thing I knew for certain. It was over. You were gone. My life would never be the same again. Never could it be the same. It was time for me to face reality. To face life as it is. That death is something that happens. Happens to everyone. Old or young. Deaf or blind. Weak or strong. Innocent or not. It happens to everyone. No one can get out of it. No one can live life without facing death. It's just the way it is. Nothing can be changed.

Oh, it is just so unreal. I still now, sitting here writing, can't understand. Why? You were perfect in every sense of the word and yet why did this happen to you? What happened that made us deserve all this pain and suffering? This heartache that never really heals. Why did it happen to us? I know that it is not my place to question, but I can't help it. I want to know the answer. It can be so difficult at times to accept what has happened, happened for the best. It can be almost impossible to accept... and as to understanding, that is above me.

Sitting here I remember a song that us girls listened to constantly the month you died. We would blare it on the iPod and sing at the top of our lungs to it. It calmed us. It was easier to cope with your death by singing. After you died was when I first fell in love with music. The powerful message behind music is just breathtaking.

Sometimes when the hurt is unbearable, I like to dream of happier times. Like the day that I will finally see you again in your heavenly glory. When you are standing there with your hand stretched out for a hearty handshake and with your pleasant welcome: "Hi! Nice to meet you!" It is then and only then that all the questions I've written in past blogs, (Update. Finally!Happy New Year, Theodore!, and The Best Brother... EVER!), will be answered. And it is then that I will be completely happy that it happened the way it did. And I will wish that nothing changes.... That is what I like to dream when my heart aches so badly to just one more time hear your voice. The sound of your laughter. To hear you skip about the house talking to yourself. To hear you tell a joke, that isn't really funny. Just one more time. For just once... maybe only for a minute to see you. I know that you are happy, far happier than you ever could be here on earth, but what about me? Are the ones left behind left in sorrow and misery and pain and suffering? You defiantly got the better end of the deal here! But, I know that this'll make me stronger. And with the help of your loving, guiding and protective brotherly arm you will help me! You're not really gone. It's just that temporally we are separated. But this temporally can last for a long time and can be very difficult. So, when the road gets rough ahead, promise me Theodore, that you'll always be there to guide me in the right way. Never will you leave my side. And never, ever will I forget the day that Heaven gained another saint.

I love you tremendously. And miss you more than words can say!

Until we meet again, I remain your ever longing sister,

P.S. I am so sorry this is so long, but I just miss you so much. And I can't talk to you directly, I can't see your beautiful face, all I have is my love for writing to tell you what I wish I could tell you face-to-face. But that is not how it is. I must move on. I must be strong. Move on. And accept. I love you! Never will I forget all that you have given to me! And nothing can ever really separate us! We're together as brother and sister. Forever and Always!

St. Theodore Gerard Francis... Pray for us!!!

Friday, March 7, 2014

Update. Finally!

Dear Theodore,

Sorry for my lack of posting, it's just that life's been pretty busy! But now that Spring break is here, I actually have the time to post! So, here I go! There's so much to update you on! Where to begin. . . Well, from my post of New Year's I said I'd post our vlog about Christmas. I never ended up doing that, but hopefully you won't mind having it very late... Because here it is! I think it's so much better than the first one! It's just so adorable!

Well, now I can feel better about saying I'd post it, because now it's actually posted!

Well, there's so much that has happened and so many things to share.... I honestly don't know what to write. Guess I should just go at it and start from the beginning "a very good place to start"! Haha, anyways... Ok, so the New Year came and went, like always. Nothing special happened, nothing memorable happened. Well, we attempted to make fried chicken... it needed more help but yay, it was good for a first! The school year started up again, and I've been occupying myself with all of the homework. Such enjoyable stuff. ;) Nay, it's all good! Well, the biggest thing is I'm the yearbook editor for our co-op, and I've been spending lots of my time keeping that going. But we've got a great team so it's good! I also started Spanish this semester. It's kinda strange, but our class is only a semester long... confusing right? But I can't complain! We also finished Chemistry! Yes! I'm not a science/math person at all so I was like "we need to party!" No more Science/Chemistry for the rest of my life! :D *BIG GRIN*!!! ;)

Though school has taken up most of my time, it's not the only thing I do! Hanging out with friends is also anther thing that occupies my time! In fact, just a couple weekends ago we went down to Houston and visited some friends! It was just epic! Love them so much! I didn't get many pictures, (except a bathroom selfie of us girls :P). We were having too much fun to concentrate on getting pictures! But here's a "cutie" one! ;)

<3 Besties for life! <3

Alright, other than that life has been pretty routine here! School. Work. Driving. Piano. Etc. And so forth. ;) Not that exciting, but it's good. Well, actually I've gone to a couple of Ben's baseball games! Those are always fun!

Probably the biggest thing now is Lent is upon us. Lent always brings back so many memories. Some of which are rather painful. Lent is a time of penance, and it's leading us up to Christ's death. It's rather a dark time. Reminding us of death, and our final end. The pain, lost, and suffering of your death seems to be right there in my mind. I feel like I relive the whole thing over and over, each day. I don't know why it's like this. There are days that I enjoy myself and all, but it's still there. The memory is still fresh. The hurt is still strong. And the loneliness lasts.

It's all so strange how things like this happen. Why? They say that "God does things for a reason", what was His reason? I still haven't figured it out. I still don't understand. Completely. When will I know? When will things be clear? When will I see the big picture? How does one just simply move on from something like this? It has almost been six years, and I still don't have it figured out. I still cry, and get angry about it. Why? It doesn't have to be like this forever. But when will it change? When will it be better? Or. . .  Will it never be better? Will it always hurt? Do I have to just accept that it happened for the best? Realize that God chose to take you at the best time possible? That this was for our own good, and yours? That it's just a part of life? That death isn't the end of life, but rather the beginning of a new life. An eternal life. A life of perfect happiness. I know that someday I will see you again, and I can't wait until we're all united together again. Forever in heaven. And when that day comes, I will understand. I will know all. But for now, I question. I'm lost. I'm confused. Hurt. Upset. Angry. Lonely. But it'll end. I know it will. But the journey until it does end is long and painful. Full of trials, but also joy. Though at times like these, the joy is nowhere in sight. But I believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I just want to be in it. Standing underneath it, and laughing. Having perfect happiness. Forever and always.

Sorry that was a lot. But I just had to tell you. Just had to let it out. I feel better now that I typed it. It's strange, but it's true! Once it's in words it seems to longer bother as greatly. I guess that's why people write songs. Music is powerful. It sends messages that never can be told. Only felt. There are so many songs that seem to help me through this, but this one is what I picked. It was a tough decision since I love so many songs, and they're all so powerful. But those will be another time, and another place. "They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to, ever get Over You."

I love you, Theodore. And I miss you. From my post I wrote on your birthday, "It hurts to think of all the years unspent, words unspoken, and memories lost". I don't think I've ever described the journey of your death better than in that one sentence. It was a moment of inspiration when I wrote that. Simply, it was just that. It was you helping me. By my side in it, and in everything I do! Never once do you leave my side. You're there with me through it all. We're still a family, even if you are in a higher place.

Until we meet again.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

O Holy Night

I know this is rather late but here is my Christmas recital piece! It's a beautiful arrangement of O Holy Night!!! Thank you for watching!!!


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy New Year, Theodore!

Dear Theodore,

I am sorry that I haven't written in a while but I was finishing up the school semester, then getting ready for Christmas. Well, now it's New Years Eve and things are beginning to slow down... or not but anyways. Christmas was really nice!!! On Christmas Eve we kept up the tradition and we went out to dinner. (Jacinta and I vlog-ed about it here.)

It's rather funny that we did this video but it's pretty amusing as well. We actually just started our own channel, and this is the first vlog. We're working on our second vlog but it'll most likely take some time before we get it up. I'll post it once we do! 
Well, Christmas came bright and early! Well maybe not but we went to 9am Mass and dressed all nicely! Afterwards we came home opened presents and then Gus and I began preparing for dinner. We missed you. :( We enjoy ourselves and all, but we really do miss your presence. Guess nothing'll ever be the same again. But that's life and we must learn to cope with it. Our next vlog is on Christmas so I shan't spoil it. 
Yesterday was Nathaniel's birthday. . . let's say that it'll be a birthday to remember! Wow! It was rather hectic and stressful, not Nathaniel's fault. . . or anyones in matter-of-fact. It was just life. That morning mom and Nathaniel took Marc to the hospital because they were concerned that he may need his appendix removed. Only problem was that Nathaniel had already invited friends over for the day. . . they still came and Marc still had his appendix removed. And I pulled off the party somehow. I am not actually sure how I managed to accomplish it but I did. Everyone appeared to enjoy themselves and we still celebrated Nathaniel's birthday and made him feel special! Guess it was a great way for him to say good-bye to the teen years and hello to adulthood and it's trials. 
Now it's tonight. New Years Eve. Before we know it, it'll be a new year. It's strange to think that the new year has come upon us. . . Time sure flies fast! I have so many hopes, dreams, and plans for the future and new year. I have a strong desire to help people. Work in a mission or something, now I'm not saying forever but just in my young adult years. As I've learned from your passing, nothing in life is guaranteed, and I do not wish to take anything for granted. I know that in a blink of an eye everything I have could be gone. Well not everything thing, fore I'll always have you and God. But earthly possessions, and even my life, can be taken away. My childhood is gone and I am entering into adulthood. I do not wish to waste my youthful years on being selfcentered and worthless. I want to leave something behind me when I die. Not fame and power, but something that'll mean something in the next life. Something that will be remembered in the hearts and memories of those that care. Something that brings smiles to people's faces and tears of joy to their eyes. I want to be giving. I have been blessed with so much and I want others to share in what I have been blessed with. I do not know how I am going to go about doing that though. . . and where will I do it? It's all rather confusing and stressful. To be honest, it scares me that I will turn 18 and still not know what God wants me to do with my life. That I will never do anything that helps others out in some way, scares me. Now I know that I can always help people out spiritually, and by no doubt I will do that, but I want to do something more. Something physical. Something that'll help people to live happier and healthier in this world. Something that really changes the world for the better. . . maybe not the whole world, but at least a large portion of it!  

Well, I am going to say good-bye now and hopefully get some rest before I have to get up for 9am Mass tomorrow. I love you, brother! I still can't believe that I am welcoming another year without you. Another year that I will have to face alone. Another year that I will have to accept your absence and move on. It's quite easy to write that down on paper, but actually living it. . . well that's a whole other story. 

Please remember us! I must admit that I don't always think of you or even remember you, but I know that you won't ever forget the family that loved you so dearly! The family that raised you and cared for you while you lived! And the family that so painfully laid you in your final resting place. 

Here's a song for thought: Because music brings life to the soul! (I actually read that somewhere, but I can't remember!) I think it's a rather fitting song. "You Raise Me Up" - Josh Groban. If you haven't caught-on yet, he's my favorite artist! His music is very meaningful and I find that I can relate to the lyrics of his songs. Enough of my rabbling and enjoy!

Happy New Year to my big brother in heaven!

Love your little sis,

Monday, November 25, 2013

The Best Brother. . . EVER!!!

Dear Theodore,

Today would have been your twenty-first birthday!!! You would have brought us your list of the gifts that you would have wished for!!! Shown it to us and remind us "birthday. Toy airplane"!!! We would listen to you, but casually respond "ok". We would have eaten the food that we thought was your favorite then have made chocolate cream pie for dessert. It would have been a wonderful day!!! Full of joy, laughter, and singing!!!

Going through some old pictures I came across a couple of you as a baby. This was before I came into the picture!!! But, just look at you!!! You're so cute and adorable!!! How could one resist your cuteness?!?

 This, I believe, is your Baptism. You look like a little angel!!! Which you are!!!

And here you are at your First Communion. Such a perfect boy you were, and to have Jesus in you!!! Such a divinely perfect moment for you!!! And that smile is just TOO CUTE!!!!

You really were special!!! Although you couldn't play the Piano, your great love for it has kept me wanting to keep up Piano. It really is a beautiful instrument and I'm sure you are playing it now up in heaven!!!

Oh, I remember this time!!! Our cousins had come down for a couple weeks and we had taken them to some awesome sites in Dallas and Fort worth!!! We don't have many pictures of you from then, but here you are in the Reunion Tower!!! If I recall correctly it wasn't your favorite spot, but hey we got a pretty cute picture of you, so win-win for us!!!

Then once we had returned home. This was a first and rather memorable picture. You never gave us hugs, except here. Here you put your arms around Max and squeezed him. Mom saw and right away grab the camera so we could cherish this moment forever.

Then here are us kiddos holding are pets. Two dogs, two rabbits, and two cats!!! Don't remember why exactly we took the picture, but it's just another one that we will have!!! Oh, but look at us!!! So young, little and cute!!!

Here we are with Fr. D.!!! We had gone out for breakfast that morning after he celebrated Mass for us!!! I know that Cornelius isn't looking in this one, but how Dom has his arm around you, really shows the love you two shared for each other. I don't think there was a stronger bond than that which was shared between you two brothers.

Haha!!! Just look at us!!! I don't think we really were doing it legitimately but hey, we had fun!!! Great company and great face-paint, lol!!! Oh good times!!!

These two are just family pictures we have, obviously from Easter, out at our parish. It's interesting to see how much we had grown from this picture:

To this one:

Awww!!! We look so nice all dressed up and fancy!!! Though I have a feeling we didn't really want to do it. . . But it's a nice picture!!! And it's rather humorous to try and figure out what exactly you're doing in the second one!!! 

And here are two "specials" of just you. They are some of the last pictures we have of you. 

Such a beautiful face!!! 

September 2007 - this was Bernadette's birthday!!!

Wow. That's really all I can say. Today we plan on visiting your grave, eat one of your favorite foods (we haven't officially decided what it will be!!!), then have chocolate cream pie. It will be nice. But something very important is missing. That is YOU. We reminisce over the fifteen years that we had you. But we wanted more. It wasn't supposed to happen the way it did. You're supposed to be here celebrating your birthday with us. How can we really celebrate the birthday without the birthday boy??? How can we live knowing that someone very important in our lives and family is gone??? Gone forever???

It hurts to think of all the years unspent, words unspoken, and memories lost. I miss you tremendously. But now is not a time to regret, but a time to be joyful!!! A time to remember and cherish all the years and memories I shared with you. There is not enough years in my life for me to waste it depressed over the time that I will never have with you. I know that you are dead, but somehow you're still here. You're still present in my heart and I think of you often. I cry at times and get angry and upset, but I'm beginning to understand that the time you died was the perfect time. God had a reason for doing it and I know that I will always miss you and want you to be here, but I also know that it was done for the best. And you must pray that someday I can fully understand it. That someday I can think of you without having an angry feeling come into my heart.

Someday I know that we will all be together and I know that it'll be a joyous time but for now you have to keep us all in your prayers. The journey and years will probably be long and rough and we'll need your help. When we forget to call upon you for help, you must never forget to help us. It's part of our fallen nature that will lead us to forget just how helpful you can be to us up there in heaven with God, but you're there and you're perfect.

Here is a song that I fell in love with after you died. It really is how I feel about you!!! Enjoy!!!

Don't forget me, no matter what!!! I love you and thank God for giving me a brother as wonderful as you!!! You truly are the best brother. . . EVER!!!

Love from your little sister,